It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
