You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
