it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
