ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
