i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
