i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
