Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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