By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Randomize
