i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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