Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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