So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sext me about skeletons
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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