May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
