and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You are the jesus of drinking
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
