i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
