I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
