you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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