did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
