i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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