Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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