Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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