Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
