Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize