i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
