Soap is not a condiment
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
