piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Boobs are out for the taking
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
