i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
