I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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