I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
