I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
