I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
