Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
