You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
