Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would punch a child for taco bell
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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