Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
