i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
