Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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