i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
