This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
