yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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