why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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