my vag is so smooth its legendary
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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