I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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