So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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