How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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