i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
