So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
