Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
