walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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