I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
