Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
