I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
