Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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