I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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