I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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