Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
