My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
